Tuesday, December 9, 2008

George W. Bush: Bible "Probably Not" Literally True

From the "you gotta be kidding" files comes an interview by ABC's Nightline with President Bush, including the requisite interrogation of his religious beliefs. During the religious inquisition phase, Mr. Bush was asked if the Bible was 'literally true'. His answer: 'probably not'. Although he believes in the part in the New Testament about that God-sent-his-Son thing. Yeah, that's pretty cool, who wouldn't want to believe that?

He also echoed the commonly-held and completely illogical position that creation (a six 24-hour day series of unrepeatable supernatural events occurring about 6,000 years ago) and evolution (1 million, no, 1 billion, no wait, 4 billion, um, 10 billion, uh, 14 billion years of molecules-to-man, goo-to-zoo-to-you) are not incompatible. On the other hand, if the Bible isn't literally true, then there really isn't a six-day creation event to bother reconciling with the meandering belief system that is onomatopoetically called evolution.

But if Mr. Bush doesn't think the Bible is literally true, how can he think Jesus is literally true? How is it that the supernatural virgin birth event is literally true, but the supernatural creation event is not? If it's not true that it only took six days to create the universe as the Bible says, then how can the whole forgiveness-of-sins part be true as the Bible says?

What's really scary is that Mr. Obama probably believes the same thing. Evolution help us all.

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Wednesday is "Call in Gay" Day

The members of the Sphincter Lobby are calling on their "troops" to show those of us who don't partake in male-on-male anal sex what it will be like to have no Hollywood movies or sitcoms filmed, no Jesus-in-urine "artwork" ass-embled, and fewer people getting their hair styled on Wednesday. That's right ladies and gentlemen, tomorrow is "Call in Gay" Day, a sort of Million Man Munch, when all of the San Francisco bath houses will be full (and not just during lunchtime) to demonstrate just how much a functioning American society needs the anti-social behavior of the homosexual in order to survive.

Hmm, last time I checked, it was the other way around.

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Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Top 5 Business Changes Detroit Will Make

So the Big 3 auto companies showed up in the nation's capitol with their "Will Grovel For Bailout Money" signs, their hats in their hands, and flashing their validated parking stubs. They presented their shiny new business plans to Congress - no slouches themselves when it comes to skillfully wasting grotesque sums of money. Right Wing Ramblings got an early draft copy of the companies' proposal of what they would do with the bailout money, and have presented it in Top 5 format:


5) Restructure UAW contracts so that union employees' salaries are only twice as much as the amount of revenue they produce.

4) Hire President-elect Obama to hypnotize his minions into purchasing Escalades and Expeditions instead of Camrys and Priuses.

3) Eliminate our dependency on foreign oil by designing cars that run directly on taxpayer dollars.

2) Finally drag out that 80mpg carburetor they've been hiding for 40 years.

1) Purchase a regional Federal Reserve Bank, then print more money.

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Monday, December 1, 2008

Top 7 Reasons the Big 3 Flew Private Jets

With all of the media and politicians' focus on the carnival atmosphere that was the Big 3 CEOs' travel arrangements to Washington, rather than the core of their problems (economically unfeasible union contracts), I thought it might be fun to list the Top 7 reasons the Big 3 CEOs listed as to why they had to fly private corporate jets.

7) They would've had to drive themselves all the way to the airport.

6) The stewardesses looked like Barney Frank. Some of them talked like him.

5) They each saved their company $2.63 Billion by not having to wait in the security checkpoint lines.

4) Community Organizer Jimmy Hoffa took a commercial flight once, and look what happened to him.

3) Commercial flights do not allow you to roll and smoke $100 bills, not even in First Class.

2) Commercial flights do not come with free health care.

1) Even Southwest demanded they pay extra for their mistresses' luggage.

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