Friday, January 30, 2009

Big Hollywood Mor(m)ons: Samuel L. Jackson and Tom Hanks

Tom Hanks recently demonstrated his quick-witted acting abilities by calling Prop 8-supporting Mormons un-American, then immediately backpedaled upon discovering that he wasn't in France, and that the voting process is, um, profoundly American.

Not to be outdone, Samuel L. Jackson has learned from the Castaway's un-American comments, mollifying them by saying the Mormons are merely misinformed.

Both Buffy and Elmo are angry at the Mormons for favoring "discrimination", which using Hollywood logic would include marriage rights for pedophile priests and their "boys", mothers and daughters, as well as the Sex Before Eight Or Else It's Too Late crowd. Don't click on that link. No, really, don't click that link!

Rumors are that Woody and Windu plan to make a biopic about the life of a city boy (played by Leonardo DiCaprio) who moves to a small town and falls in love with a chihuahua, only to discover that the town is a repressive, backward town that frowns upon animal husbandry. However, his irresistible charm and winning smile eventually wins over the town pastor (played by Ted Haggard), who agrees to marry the two at the climax. In the end, everyone realizes that any two or more consenting organisms can be defined as "family" and deserve the time-honored right to marry.

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Top 15 Hidden Pork in the Depression Stimulus Bill

We know you folks don't have the time to pore through every word of the mammoth government spending bill ironically known as the Stimulus Bill. Neither do we, but we managed to extract a list of the top 15 worst hidden pork in the government stimulus bill:

15) $380M to bailout the anti-war movie industry.
14) $1.1M to collect and disinfect the discarded American flags left behind at the Inauguration.
13) $181,400 to make and distribute Nancy Pelosi "I put the partisan in bi-partisan" bumber stickers.
12) $181,400 to make and distribute Barney Frank "I put the bi in bi-partisan" bumber stickers.
11) $37,500 to buy Shatner a new toupee
10) $1.8M to research another famous impassioned speech by a deceased politician for Vice President Biden to plagiarize.
9) $20M to remove fish barriers (fish have a glass ceiling too).
8) $13M to purchase something for Michelle Obama that she can be proud of for the second time in her adult life.
7) $963,000 to discover more absentee votes for Al Franken.
6) $34M to remodel the Department of Commerce's Headquarters (using $100 bills as wallpaper).
5) $260M for a series of "Blackberry vs. iPhone" commercials featuring Barak Obama as Blackberry and Rush Limbaugh as iPhone.
4) $150M to bailout the honeybee industry.
3) $475,000 to reduce global warming by putting Al Gore on the Jenny Craig diet.
2) $133M to build the George W. Bush Presidential Library and Detention Center in Tehran, Iran.
1) $122,800 to install "Window" and "Door" signs on all White House glass panes.

Total wasted taxpayer dollars: $819B

PS. Numbers 9, 6, and 4 are really in the bill (minus the parenthetical statements).

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Michael Steele picked to lead GOP

Former Maryland Lt. Governor Michael Steele was chosen to resurrect the Dead Old Party, having asphyxiated itself by tying a John McCain around its neck late last year. Efforts to revive the party by Sarah Palin were unsuccessful when she choked on a Katie Couric.

The Man of Steele is the first black leader of the Republican Party, which will irritate the racist, liberal wing of the party found in the NY-DC corridor. He has a difficult task ahead of him as the party looks to find its conservative values, which were lost in Hurricane Katrina and haven't been seen since.

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Thursday, January 29, 2009

Video: Pelosi Touts "Prevention" as Economic Stimulus

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-GayPornica) strongly defended her position, eloquently explaining how spending $335M taxpayer dollars to prevent teen pregnancies will create more jobs.

The jokes write themselves, folks.

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Abritrary Bitter Post

I know I've been gone for a while, and I truly do apologize for that. Thanks to IJ for manning the post while I was spending the past few months crying and mourning the progressive death of American values. I've been reading the posts but haven't had a chance to post my own thoughts, but the time has come. This blog is LACKING in bitter, angry, partisan posts.

I refer to myself as an independent, but I lean so far to the right, I practically fall over. This is why I wear a helmet whenever I am mobile. It would be a horrible tragedy to lose the ridiculously massive amount of brain power that I carry. On to the bitterness!

I know I've been gone for a while, and I truly do apologize for that. Thanks to IJ for manning the post while I was spending the past few months crying and mourning the progressive death of American values. I've been reading the posts but haven't had a chance to post my own thoughts, but the time has come. This blog is LACKING in bitter, angry, partisan posts.

I refer to myself as an independent, but I lean so far to the right, I practically fall over. This is why I wear a helmet whenever I am mobile. It would be a horrible tragedy to lose the ridiculously massive amount of brain power that I carry. On to the bitterness!

I tried to be open minded. I said to myself, "It's okay, BO doesn't always stink." Boy was I wrong. I thought I'd have time to come up with a bitter rant, as it would take a while for BHO to upset me. Wrong....With gems like "I won" and "You can't just listen to Rush Limbaugh and get things done" it is easy to see why so many Americans voted for BHO. Let's review...BHO was for Change...yet the Clinton administration is back en mass. BHO wants us all to be bi-partisan, but he tries to trump Conservatives by pointing out that he won. Why would BHO be like this? The lies in something a friend told my wife about BHO. He doesn't want to be president, he wants to play president. Bingo! We have a winner. Being a president is hard. Wouldn't it be way better to just play president and let other people do the hard work. Just tell me where to sign. I trust that you'll make the right judgement calls. Cool, I'm in the history books. No one can take that from me.

As a final thought, I have to mention that I'm going to lose it if I see one more Obama magazine/newspaper/lithograph/coin/commemorative coin. No more..he's a president, not a rock star.

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House Dems Pass Depression Stimulus Bill Without GOP

The House GOP, showing the kind of maverick behavior we wish John McCain had, unanimously thumbs-downed the $819B Government Stimulus bill, which passed with overwhelming Democrat support. I suppose the true mavericks were the 11 Democrats who campaigned on a conservative fiscal policy and actually voted that way. They certainly won't be invited to Barney Frank's "We Are The Champions" Stimulatus Bill victory gala (guest vocalist Freddie Mercury had to back out at the last minute because he's dead).

President Obama, basking in the glow of his partisan victory, which costs more than the Iraq and Afghanistan wars combined, said that the income redistribution bill will "save or create more than three million new [government] jobs over the next few years."

I'm confused by the President's uncharacteristic lack of hyperbole: only "three million new jobs." Why not 30 million? After all, no matter the economic downturn that this bill will certainly accelerate, he can always say he saved 30 million jobs.

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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Rangel Rule: GOP Congressman Wants to Kill Late Tax Fees

Rep. John Carter (R-TX) has introduced a bill designed to eliminate the stigma associated with being a prominent Democrat who can't remember to pay his taxes.

He calls it the Rangel Rule, after an obscure congressman from New York who somehow forgot that he's supposed to pay taxes on his rental properties' income. Fortunately for him, he is a high-ranking Democrat and is therefore exempt from any real punishment that would be applied to ordinary citizens who violate the law.

And fortunately for the rest of us, if Congressman Carter gets his way, we'll no longer have to become Democrats and gain high-ranking committee memberships in order to avoid paying IRS fines.

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Iran Responds to Messiah: Get Out and We'll Talk

(Warning: This post contains no satire.)

Iran's President-for-life Mahmoud Ahmadinejad responded publicly to the US Emperor's call for new diplomatic talks, surprising the world with dramatically toned-down rhetoric: "Sure, but first remove all of your troops from the world, and apologize for 60 years of abuse of Iran."

This "once in a generation" opportunity, as a Western diplomat speaking on the condition of anonymity called it, harkens back to the glory days of the Carter Iranian Policy. And we all know how that turned out.

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House Dems Pull Out Condoms, Insert STDs

Those wacky sex-crazed Democrats are at it again, publicly removing from the so-called Stimulus Bill hundreds of millions for condoms and other birth control "devices", and privately inserting $335M for "preventing sexually transmitted diseases."

It's the joke that tells itself.

"I'm pleased to announce that the Democrat Party has come to its senses by adding federal dollars for preventing STDs, many of which I am a carrier. I had to work some of my fellow congressmen to the bone to get their support," beamed a happy but worn-out Barney Frank (Du-Mass).

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Democrats Launch Online We-Love-You-Rush Petition

In an effort to reach out to the conservative wing of the citizenry, the Democrat Party has created an online petition where anyone can post their love and encouragement to Rush -- all at the expense of the Party of Donkey! Isn't that cool?

I encourage everyone - well, everyone that likes Rush - to sign the petition and provide all the love and encouragement you can. And in the true spirit of online democrat giving, you can falsify your identity, using names like Mickey Mouse, Tony Romo, and my favorite, Barack Obama.

If you don't like Rush - go ahead and go online too, but you have to provide your real identity. Because only conservatives use fake names when doing stuff on the net.

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Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Pulled Pork: House Democrats Unroll Condoms From Stimulus Bill

House Democrats, responding to the uproar created by their new definition of the term 'stimulus', have decided to remove funding for various birth control devices from the stimulus package. "The trickle-down effect on the porn industry should be negligible, given their abstinence policy regarding birth control," wheezed a disappointed Rep. Barney Frank (Du-Mass).

President Obama called House leaders at Rep. Frank's brothel to inform them that taxpayer-funded birth control goes against his agenda of ensuring sufficient teen pregnancies to bailout the abortion industry.

Others spoke out in favor of requiring taxpayers to fund the promiscuous behavior of teenagers and interns. "If you ask me, I think they pulled [the funding] out too soon," admonished former president Clinton.

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Obama to Muslims: We are effeminate

Obama's first TV interview with an Arabic TV Network demonstrated His Holiness' desire to present a new pants-dropped, codependent, self-flagellating version of the United States to the Muslim world (except Iran because Persians probably weren't watching Arab television, although excerpts of the interview will be shown in the next episode of Iran's Funniest Videos).

"...all too often the United States starts by dictating," said the newly crowned US emperor. You know, like the time we forced some poor old blind Muslim guy to coordinate a basement-level bombing of the World Trade Center, only to be so disappointed that the building didn't fall that we had to later fabricate a different disaster ostensibly engineered by so-called Muslim terrorists. Or the time we forced young Muslim males to board a tiny boat filled with explosives and commit suicide by ramming it into the USS Cole. Or the time we forced innocent young Muslim males at knife point to fly planes into our own buildings so we could start a war and steal Iraqi oil and take over their government, concluding a 10 year plan across 3 presidential administrations. Or the time we tricked a young Muslim male into chasing down Dutch filmmaker Theo van Gogh and placing a verse from the Quran on his chest - using a knife. Or the time we carefully persuaded a group of angry young Britons to convert to Islam and then bomb some underground trains in London. Or the time we covertly organized a group of young Muslim males to take over a Beslan school, killing over a hundred children. Or the time we tricked young Muslim males into coordinating a simultaneous multi-point attack in India, targeting only non-Muslims as a cover. Or how we're still coordinating machete attacks by young Muslim males on Christians in Indonesia and other backwater Muslim nations. Or how we're beginning to tell Britons that they better start considering adopting Sharia Law or else there will be trouble. And that goes for you too, you Scandinavians, Dutch, Swiss, French, and Belgians.

Yeah, the US is just full of "dictating" to the innocent Muslims, who've been otherwise sitting around minding their own business.

Furthering his foray into what will now be commonplace Euro-sissy, Continental, U.N-approved blame-it-all-on-the-Jews foolishness, Mr. Dumbama elicited following: "There are Israelis who recognize that it is important to achieve peace. They will be willing to make sacrifices if the time is appropriate and if there is serious partnership on the other side."

Yes, 4 out of 5 Jews surveyed recognize that it's important to achieve peace, while the other 20% want to continue to be targets of random rocket attacks, ball-bearing-filled backpack bombs, and the usual call for Israel to make sacrifices if they want these attacks to stop. However, no sacrifices necessary on the part of the Palestinians formerly known as Arabs, other than a nebulous "serious partnership." Gee, if we could just get some serious partnership, we could put this 4000 year Arab-Jewish feud to bed.

Good luck with that, Mr. President.

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Monday, January 26, 2009

Pelosi: Taxpayer-funded sex good for economy

Yesterday, Madame Pelosi admitted to stashing hundreds of millions of taxpayer dollars in the stimulus package to fund birth control for the 1% of teenagers that actually use them. According to the San Franciscan Madame, "family planning" - which is guaranteed by the First Amendment freedom of speech, mind you - costs states lots of money, and if we could give those states a crapload of condoms, then all the poor people (you know, the ones who would use condoms if only they could afford the 35 cents but they can't because they just spent their paycheck on lottery tickets) wouldn't be having so many unwanted welfare babies that somehow missed the abortion mills because of evil intolerant right wingers who instituted these crazy laws requiring parental consent and ultrasounds. Just think of the money that states would save by spending all this money!

What is this administration's fetish with sexual intercourse and the responsibility-free exercise thereof?

"Stimulus" - there's a word I'll never view in its original meaning ever again.

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Obama to cut global warming by shutting down Detroit

The Obamanator today issued a memorandum that, among other things, mandates 35mpg average cars and trucks by 2020, and tries to allow California (and other states) to set their own emissions standards. Need to haul a ton of goods to that construction site? You'll pay a fine if that truck doesn't get 25mpg on the trip. If you wanted to kill a sputtering American auto industry, never mind the construction industry, this would be the way to do it. With these brilliant ideas, the only economy President O will grow is the government economy.

Rep. Edward J. Markey (Du-Mass) called Obama a "visionary president" who will increase innovation and reduce our dependence on Mexican and Canadian oil. What's so visionary about jacking up regulations? If these new ideas are so great, then mandate 100mpg cars. Require Americans to purchase electric cars, or wind-powered cars. Now there's innovation!

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Friday, January 23, 2009

Obama to America: Kill All the Babies You Want

Whatever happened to Hillary's 'I want abortions to be safe, legal and rare' abortion stance? His Highness has decided that there are too many Democrats voting with overseas ballots, and decided to put an end to that, signing an Executive Order reversing W's ban on taxpayer-funded foreign abortions. Thank God the US didn't have a foreign abortion subsidy policy covering Kenya in 1961.

I'm glad he's working on the important stuff first. Two successive days of tearing down what little walls of protection our helpless unborn children have from the knife and the Dirt Devil.

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First White House Presser: Keystone Cops Edition

Maybe it's just me, but I'm finding the Obamanation to be just about the most inept and incoherent administration so far, and it's only Day Three (day two, really)! For those of you who don't bother to click the link, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs outed a secret aide within the first two minutes of the presser! It only got worse from there.

I don't know how anyone will top Jimmy Carter's swamp rabbit attack, and the utterly incompetent management of the story by his aides.

But remember kids, it's only Day Three.

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Thursday, January 22, 2009

Freedom of Choice Act: A Bill That Kills Democrats

President Obama told a gathering of anti choose-life advocates at a Planned Parenthood meeting that he would bailout the baby-killing industry by signing the Freedom of Choice Act, which requires unfettered access to abortion without parental consent, without waiting periods, without minimal sanitary conditions, heck, without anesthesia if you're into that sort of thing.

All in all, I see this as a positive step towards the eventual elimination of future Democrat voters.

Never Forget, Mr. President: Abortion Kills Democrats.

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Gitmo: Mission Accomplished

President-elect - no wait, he did swear in a second time - President Obama signed an Executive Order today demanding the close of the Guantanamo Bay Waterboard Park and Bush Presidential Library. When asked if he had a plan for processing the prisoners, the All-Knowing One said, "Do we have another Executive Order for that?" He followed that moment of brilliance with a word-for-word mimicry of his counsel's response to the fairly obvious questions that anyone actually wanting to close the prison would have considered preparing an answer to before announcing the closing of the famed institution.

And I could hardly see the strings.

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Back From Haitus

After the election, there wasn't much news on which to comment. I mean, how many times can a guy make fun of the same ole' "institution X needs a bailout" clarion call, even when its the oldest institution?

Now that we have fresh blood, er, a new President, there will be plenty of laughs. I mean news.

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