Friday, February 13, 2009

Obama to Minimum Wagers: Get Your Social Security Payments Now!

Critics of the Government Growth Stimulus Bill were out in force today, complaining about the massive expansion of the the federal government in the 1,071-page bill. "We've only made it to page thirteen, and the government has already taken another huge chunk of private health care, raised taxes on those who are hiring employees, and has taken the remaining one percent of the porn industry in which the Democrats and Larry Craig didn't previously participate.", cried John Boehner (R-OH!).

Certain aspects of the complaints made it to the President's prodigious ear. When confronted by the fact that millions who work will get a refund larger than they actually paid in taxes, the Prez smugly replied, "Don't forget - they pay Social Security taxes too." (He really said that.)

So a warning to all you minimum-wagers out there, check out your next account update from the Social Security Administration. You might find out that the cool wide screen TV you just bought came out of your Social Security Trust Fund.

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Obama's New Catch Phrase: Make Workers Pay

The House has approved the Committee-modified version of the Stealfromus Bill, which pretend-President Obama is eager to sign. He is so excited about his first piece of real legislation, which he abdicated to Congress to create, that he is dumping the "Yes We Can!" campaign slogan created by Bob the Builder and roundly repeated by millions of sheep all over the country with "Make Workers Pay!", which reflects the true intent of this new administration and Democrat-controlled congress.

"I am so excited to be a part of the Third Reich of the Socialist Advance on America!", exclaimed President Obama, referring to the New Deal and the Great Society which preceded him. "It's about time that those who refuse to work are properly compensated for all the hours they've been forced to spend watching Oprah.", continued the President.

Critics of the bill couldn't be reached for comment, as they were busy moving their investments and retirement plans into offshore accounts.

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Obama to Have Zero Approval Rating by May

President Obama, who enjoyed approval ratings as high as the eighties at the start of his administration, is stinging from a surprising 20-point drop in his approval rating in only three weeks. We at RWR borrowed one of Al Gore's Global Warming computers, and ran Obama's approval rating slump through it.

The results are staggering. In just 3 short months, before Memorial Day in fact, President Obama will have the lowest approval rating in presidential history. And it looks to only get worse. By July, according to House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-CaliPornia), more than 500 million people per month will be added to the disapproval roster.

Obama's aides are feverishly working to stem the tide, which anonymous sources claim must be slowed by the Ides of March, or else the momentum will be too quick to turn around. These sources say that his puppeteers are teaching the President how to read "My Pet Goat", a familiar children's storybook, to a nearby elementary school before the month is out. "It worked before, it'll work again," mused Vice President Biden, who spoke from an undisclosed location.

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Thursday, February 12, 2009

Obama: I'm Going to Create High-Paying Jobs Now

President Obamuhh, speaking on behalf of the Eight Hundred Thousand Million Dollar Stimulus Bill, says it's going to create 3 to 4 million new jobs, which computes to an average salary of around $275,000 per job. "This bill will inject much-needed energy into the unprofitable and unpopular environmental industries, provide more cops, metal detectors, and clean needles for our Government-run elementary schools, dramatically increase the much-needed harvesting of human life for imaginary embryonic stem cell research, and most importantly, spend billions renovating the numerous government buildings that have been neglected over the last eight dark years."

Ranking Democrats hailed the new spending measure as a demonstration of how government can and should be run. "The previous administration was often criticized by the extremist wing of their party for spending like drunken sailors," scoffed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-GayPornia), "but we showed them we can outspend Bush's entire eight years of financial mismanagement in just a few weeks. Amateurs."

Critics of the bill, and surprisingly there are a few of them in Washington, were a bit incredulous at the amount of taxpayer dollars allocated on Washington projects and government institutions, but the Republican Renegade 3 in the Senate demonstrated their desire to be bi-partisan. "I don't know why all the fuss about government spending." complained Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-INO), "If it weren't for government, even I would be out of a high-paying job. And we can't have that, can we?"

With public support for the bill around 50% and waning, citizens are beginning to wonder if the bill really will create jobs as the Messiah has prophesied. "I want one of those $275,000 jobs here in my hometown of Detroit," whined an unidentified laid-off UAW employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he drives a Toyota Tundra, "but I hear you have to be elected and relocate to Washington D.C. to get one of those jobs. The good news is I wouldn't have to work as hard, but the bad news is I would be taking a pay cut."

Congressional Democrats have done their best to dispel any notion that all this money being spent simply adds to more debt that our descendants will have to pay back. "Fortunately for my grandchildren -- well, not my grandchildren, but yours -- the money being spent in this bill will be worth much less when they have to pay it back." exalted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevaduh).

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Stimulus Bill Already Working!

If you needed any more proof that St. Barry is the One True Messiah, just look at this fact: the Stimulus Bill, agreed upon mere hours ago by Congress and the White House, has already had a positive effect on the economy.

January retail sales actually increased, going against the beat of the media Great Depression drums. And the rise in jobless claims is beginning to reverse, all because of the mere presence of our Lord Obama's Government Stimulus Bill.

The oceans are next.

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Tuesday, February 10, 2009

President Obamuhh: Four More Years of Bush

"I'm not going to promote the same old failed policies of the Bush Administration. My Stimulus Bill will be much bigger."

"I inherited a national debt that doubled over the last eight years. But I'm going to double it in four."

"I'm going to close Gitmo effective one year from today. Well, as soon as we figure out what to do with the prisoners. And, um, I'll uuhhh order a commission to uuhhh decide what to do about them. Then we'll close it. Or, well, um, after all the prisoners have left. Which could take uuhhh my entire term if not Sarah Palin's first term as well."

"I'm going to bring our troops home from Iraq immediately. Well, as soon as the generals on the ground say it's safe to do so. And then I'm doing to deploy them into Afghanistan for an unlimited time."

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Obama: We Must, um, uhh, um, Pass, umm, the-uhh, Stimulus Bill

President "It's-all-the-Republicans-fault-that-the-Democrat-controlled-Congress-can't-decide-between-an-eight-hundred-thousand-million-dollar-spending-bill-and-a-one-million-million-dollar-spending-bill" Obama stumbled his way through a poorly-written scripted press conference last night.

The press conference, which some likened to a Mike Tyson interview, was so poorly executed that Congress has ordered an investigation into the apparent disappearance of the heretofore silver-tongued Barack Obama. "I'm going to get to the bottom of this," cried Rep. Barney Frank (Du-Mass), "no matter how many bottoms it takes."

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Thursday, February 5, 2009

Top 10 Bad Things That Will Happen if the Stimulus Bill is Not Passed

As previously reported here at satire center (or 'satire far right'), President Left-of-Sane has demanded that Congress immediately pass a spending bill equivalent to the cost of all US-attended wars combined, or else.

Or else what? We at RWR will dutifully answer the 'what' with the Top 10 Bad Things that will happen if the Depression Stimulus Bill is not immediately passed:

10) The Church of Scientology will have to offer a 20% discount on achieving OT IV and up
9) We'll never make that switch to digital television
8) Who's going to subsidize all those anti-war George W. Bush Hatemovies?
7) Gitmo will have to draw down to 2 Quran toilet flushings per day
6) American Idol will be forced to show reruns of Sanjaya in perpetuity
5) Someone might find a job without Obama taking the credit
4) 500 million Americans will lose their jobs every month
3) The Capitol Building men's rooms will run out of those condoms with Barney Frank's face on them
2) If Obama raises his hands, he won't be able to lift your wallet
1) A Republican (George W. Bush) will still hold the record for largest stimulus bill

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Obama: Stimulus or Die

That's the extreme view being presented by President Leadership-by-OpEd regarding the sad state of our 7.5% unemployment economy, the worst in 25 years. According to the multiple tax cheat nominator, unless a larger swath of the unparalleled-in-history successful private market is turned over to the federal bureaucracy (the folks who bring you Medicare and Medicaid) - and NOW - the economy is over. Finis. No recovery, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars.

Wow, I thought this level of hyperbolic derangement was the exclusive domain of Algore, Savior of the Planet.

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Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Former Sen. Daschle Withdraws Nomination

Fearing that wiretaps of conversations featuring former Illinois Gov. "Hot Rod" Blogojevich offering the Health and Human Taxes job to Daschle for $350,000 (" that price, it's a steal!") would be made public, former Sen. Tom Daschle (D-Taxakota) has decided to withdraw his nomination for a cushy Cabinet position.

Instead, the former senior Senator said he is relieved that he will no longer be dogged by conflict of interest accusations, and will continue representing huge corporate lobbyists as he has done since he was voted out by the angry mob he allegedly represented. Fortunately, former Gov. Blogojevich offers a 15 day return policy.

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Hyperbole 101 by Professor Nancy Pelosi

Madame Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-GayPornia) explaining why the Depression Stimulus bill must be passed immediately: every single person living in the United States - man, woman, and child - plus an additional 200 million people living in the US that are invisible, will lose their jobs every month until we pass the stimulus bill.

When confronted with the reality that the United States doesn't actually contain that many people, the West Coast Madame excoriated the Washington Times reporter, "You don't know what you're talking about. Why, just last week in my home state, one woman gave birth to 300 million babies at once. And each one of them is unemployed as we speak!"

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Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Help Wanted: Tax Cheat

President Running Joke has yet another stellar appointment, the "Performance Czar", failing to pay taxes to the federal government, only this time Nancy Killefer has the dignity (or is it fear) to withdraw her nomination before it soils the administration (if such a thing were possible).

This just isn't fair. This site is to be full of satire. How can I do satire when the truth is self-satirical?

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Monday, February 2, 2009

Tom Daschle: More "Change" in the Cabinet

President Government's recommendation for Secretary of Health and Human Taxes, Tom Daschle (D-S. Taxakota), is just another in a growing bilge pile of tax cheats being nominated for a Cabinet position. Like his Cabinet peer, tax cheater and now Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner (now there's irony), Daschle is having to face the agonizing grimaces and grave concern of the Senate body before breezing through a super-majority confirmation and into a cushy job where he can continue the glorious work for The People that got him run out of the Senate several years ago.

Now that's hope and change we can believe in.

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