Thursday, February 12, 2009

Obama: I'm Going to Create High-Paying Jobs Now

President Obamuhh, speaking on behalf of the Eight Hundred Thousand Million Dollar Stimulus Bill, says it's going to create 3 to 4 million new jobs, which computes to an average salary of around $275,000 per job. "This bill will inject much-needed energy into the unprofitable and unpopular environmental industries, provide more cops, metal detectors, and clean needles for our Government-run elementary schools, dramatically increase the much-needed harvesting of human life for imaginary embryonic stem cell research, and most importantly, spend billions renovating the numerous government buildings that have been neglected over the last eight dark years."

Ranking Democrats hailed the new spending measure as a demonstration of how government can and should be run. "The previous administration was often criticized by the extremist wing of their party for spending like drunken sailors," scoffed House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-GayPornia), "but we showed them we can outspend Bush's entire eight years of financial mismanagement in just a few weeks. Amateurs."

Critics of the bill, and surprisingly there are a few of them in Washington, were a bit incredulous at the amount of taxpayer dollars allocated on Washington projects and government institutions, but the Republican Renegade 3 in the Senate demonstrated their desire to be bi-partisan. "I don't know why all the fuss about government spending." complained Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-INO), "If it weren't for government, even I would be out of a high-paying job. And we can't have that, can we?"

With public support for the bill around 50% and waning, citizens are beginning to wonder if the bill really will create jobs as the Messiah has prophesied. "I want one of those $275,000 jobs here in my hometown of Detroit," whined an unidentified laid-off UAW employee who spoke on the condition of anonymity because he drives a Toyota Tundra, "but I hear you have to be elected and relocate to Washington D.C. to get one of those jobs. The good news is I wouldn't have to work as hard, but the bad news is I would be taking a pay cut."

Congressional Democrats have done their best to dispel any notion that all this money being spent simply adds to more debt that our descendants will have to pay back. "Fortunately for my grandchildren -- well, not my grandchildren, but yours -- the money being spent in this bill will be worth much less when they have to pay it back." exalted Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevaduh).